Well, we’re getting down to the wire here…T minus 2 days to baby’s due date!
I’m SO ready to see this view change:
Baby’s room is pretty much ready to go, minus the wall décor that I’m putting off until he gets here.
(He’ll be sharing a room with—the piano! You can kind of see it there to the right. That thing is WAY too heavy to move, even if we did have somewhere better to put it. Works for now…)
The dresser is a hand-me-down from my grandparents that got promoted from the guest bedroom. I was thinking about painting it (since it’s really obvious how not-exactly-white it is right next to the stark white changing table), but I can’t decide whether to just paint it white or do something funky, like grey or even turquoise. (Thoughts??)
I also can’t decide whether I care enough to do anything at all with it. So that’s a bit of an obstacle. (haha)
I’m excited that I still have tons of energy going into these last few days—nesting, I guess you could say. I spent the morning cleaning the house, with a little help…
I’m very aware that things could start happening at any minute. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m half expecting my water to break. Every time I eat, I’m like “is this my LAST MEAL?” (haha)
My mom is coming into town tonight, to be on the ready for emergency babysitting duties. What a relief!! All week, I’ve been so paranoid that baby would come early and I’d have to scramble to figure something out for Mason last minute. Last night, I was actually feeling some cramping at bedtime, and all I could think was, “NOT. TONIGHT!”
I’m definitely starting to get nervous about labor, now that I don’t have to stress about babysitting logistics anymore. I keep hearing that things go much faster the second time, but HOW MUCH faster are we talking, you know?
The other thing that’s finally squared away: pictures for my prenatal fitness program. I literally took the last one yesterday—featuring my thousand-week-preggo belly:
(Prenatal barre on a park bench! I got some odd looks, as you can imagine.)
The next step is editing literally hundreds of photos (30 workouts, tons of different exercises per workout, multiple pictures per exercise…) and assembling them into easy-to-follow graphics. That shouldn’t be too hard with a new baby around, right??
So this morning, I was thinking, “what pregnancy-related stuff do I want to squeeze in on the blog before I’m not pregnant anymore?”
There’s really only one thing that comes to mind…and it’s the thing I was not, WAS NOT, going to talk about.
This is a super loaded and touchy topic, for a number of good reasons. The biggest one, of course, is that with so many women out there who would LOVE to have a baby, ANY baby, it sounds so completely selfish and wrong for any mom-to-be to admit that she was hoping for a different gender than what she got.
But for the sake of honesty, I’ll put my story out there: yes, before I found out that baby #2 was another boy, I was fantasizing about little pink outfits. I’m a pretty girly girl myself, so I think that’s only natural. And, of course, I’d already done the boy thing, so I was curious about what it would be like to raise a daughter.
During my first trimester, I managed to convince myself that I was having a girl. I 100% DID NOT mean to, but the pregnancy felt different than my first, and lots of the old wives’ tales about gender lined up with a girl…yadda yadda.
So when I found out that we were actually having another little boy, I was completely blindsided by the overwhelming, totally unexpected feeling that my little girl had…died. I didn’t even realize how much I’d (again, unintentionally!) built her up in my head until she was suddenly gone. I literally had to mourn her, and open my heart to the little boy who was actually in my stomach the whole time. During that time, it was hard knowing that I wasn’t “allowed” to feel the way I felt, and thinking that I had to work out my feelings in private.
The only reason I’m comfortable telling you all this now is that once I had time to bond with a new vision of my next child, I felt completely different about the whole thing. I can honestly say that I’m over the moon thrilled to be having another boy, and wouldn’t change it if I had the chance.
For one thing, I’m very aware that my interest in having a girl was totally shallow and simplistic—I mean, pink dresses??
Now, I picture my boys as little buddies, and I’m so happy that Mason will get to experience what it’s like to have a brother (I never had a sister growing up and would have loved to). I picture two mama’s boys in matching polo shirts (come on—it can’t be helped) and—this might sound stupid but—I’m really excited to say “the boys.”
I wanted to share all this for two reasons:
- To encourage anyone experiencing gender disappointment. People say that those feelings go away the second you see your baby for the first time, but in my experience, it happened way sooner than that. (And either way, it WILL pass.) I also haven’t just “gotten used to” the idea of having another boy—I’ve completely embraced it. I cannot wait!!
- To give perspective to anyone who knows someone experiencing gender disappointment. I’d encourage you to be sensitive, even if you don’t understand or “agree” with what the person is feeling. It’s not as selfish as it sounds when you consider the fact that it can feel like losing a child. The imagination is a powerful thing.
I know many, many parents who don’t find out the gender of their babies until they’re born, and I’m completely cool with that. I’ve considered what impact that approach has on the gender disappointment thing, since you’re basically guaranteed to feel nothing but pure joy when you meet your new child, regardless of any prior thoughts about gender.
But for me, if we have another child, I’m pretty sure that I’ll opt to find out the gender during the pregnancy again. Not that I’ll be hoping for one or the other—I honestly can’t say that I will—but because I recognize that gender is part of my personal bonding process. I like to visualize things—I sincerely can’t help it—and since I have the choice, I’m all about having those visions be (to some extent) the “right” ones.
I feel incredibly vulnerable sharing all this (I’m actually terrified to hit Publish right now!) but if it helps bring even a tiny bit of clarity or comfort to anyone out there, it’s worth it.
Can’t wait to meet my little BOY!