I should have seen it coming. I was asking for it, really.
Remember this post?? I’ve been a crazy person lately, stressing myself out with a thousand big ideas and aggressive goals and outrageous expectations. (The funny part is, I actually cut a few things from that post because the number of Big Things going on in my head looked embarrassingly high even to my own eyes. And the thing I was thinking about the MOST isn’t even on there.)
Then there’s all the traveling we’ve been doing (Florida, Boston, the cabin trip, etc. etc. etc.) combined with all the sleepless nights that go along with traveling with Mason…sprinkle on the stress of a weekend spent mingling with people I don’t know (plus more travel and sleepless nights), and I had the perfect recipe for breakdown.
So I went to the Healthy Living Summit over the weekend, and it was awesome (even the mingling part!), and I’m dying to tell you all about it. (And I will—soon!) I left Minneapolis with big eyes and—what else—a thousand more ideas for my blog and my future.
I even picked this notebook up at TJ Maxx—technically, because I needed a new notebook—but you can tell where my head was at in my choice:
I could tell I was getting sick toward the end of the weekend, but instead of resting, I went out for an unnecessarily-aggressive run, even stopping at a playground bench for a bazillion push-ups and tricep dips.
Finally, my body said: ok. That’s enough.
Enough stress, enough thinking, enough traveling, enough planning. E-frickin-nough.
So I’ve been sick. Not the “oh this darn head cold” kind of sick, but the “I can’t get off the couch and every inch of my body hurts and Mason has watched 3 hours of TV today (and his brain has probably melted)” kind.
I was pretty darn grateful for this little gift Wild Harvest sent all the HLS participants. Did you anticipate this, WH??
It started Monday, when we finally drove back home after spending some time at the in-laws post-HLS, and it’s just starting to clear up now. The time in between there is a big fog for me.
Last night, I even ended up in the ER. (Oh, so much joy pouring out of this post!!) I’d had kind of a dull headache since I first got sick, but yesterday afternoon, it turned into a migraine. And then it progressed into The Migraine to End All Migraines.
Have you guys experienced these horrible things before??
I’d thought I had, but I’d never experienced anything like THAT before. I won’t even hesitate to take labor over it if I had the choice right now.
As long as I laid perfectly still on the couch with a bag of frozen peas on my head and my fingers pressed hard into my temple and left eyeball in just the right way, the pain was tolerable. But every time I stood up to use the bathroom or, you know, take care of my son or something (luckily, Brent was home by the time it got really bad), I’d feel a rush of nausea and starry-eyed dizziness to the point where I’d end up literally crawling up the stairs.
Eventually, during one of those painful trips to the bathroom, I hit The Wall. I recognized it as the same exact feeling I’d had in the middle of my labor with Mason, going natural with the Pitocin cranked up, where I just suddenly felt like I’d lost control. That feeling is what did me in then (I asked for an epidural immediately), and it did me in last night, too.
I started crying—like, really intense ugly crying—which is possibly the worst thing you can do when you have a headache. So now my throbbing head was throbbing even harder, I couldn’t stop crying, and, worst of all, there was that panicky out-of-control feeling. I just wanted out. Whatever it took.
Then, other weird things started happening. I felt my face get all tingly, then my hands, then my feet…and there was this strange, tight feeling on the right side of my chest that I realized had been there for a few hours…and I thought, oh geez, am I having a stroke now??
Insert more panic and hysteria, a frantic phone call to my mom the nurse (who directed us to the ER—and when a nurse tells you to go to the ER, you go), another frantic phone call to a friend to come sit with a sleeping Mason, and we were on the road. It was around 10 PM…why does stuff like this always have to happen late at night? Newton’s other law.
I glanced in the car mirror on the way and decided this would officially be the grossest I’d ever looked in public. It made the Me of Childbirth look like a super model (and she’s no treat).
It took a couple different meds and good 2 hours in the ER to get the headache under control, but it finally eased up enough for me to head home, take some Benadryl, and pass out.
I’m so, so grateful for my wonderful husband, who didn’t complain through this whole ordeal even though, minutes before everything hit the fan, he’d been talking about how much work he had to do that night. (Allow me to help get you off the hook! Always the thoughtful wife, aren’t I?)
When I woke up this morning, the headache was still there, throbbing away. The doctor had been kind enough to write me a prescription for the med he’d used in the hospital, but we hadn’t bothered to fill it the night before, since I figured I was on my way to recovery-ville. I took some acetaminophen to tide me over until I could get to Walgreens, and somehow, it was actually enough!
So, as I write this, I’m finally, finally headache-free. And it’s the most clear-minded I’ve felt in a long time.
So now, I’m thinking hard about cutting back. Something’s going to go. Something has to go.
And most importantly: I have to learn how to let go. In general. That out-of-control feeling probably wouldn’t be so debilitating to me if I wasn’t so obsessed with being in control, of everything, all the time.
There’s another big, crazy element that complicates this whole story, but I’ll have to tell you about that tomorrow. I have a little boy up from his nap who hasn’t seen his mom in 2 days—just some empty shell of a person.
And now that I’ve been emptied, I’m going to be much more careful and strategic about how I fill myself back up.
Thanks for reading this weird, dramatic post…I promise I’ll be back to normal very soon! :)