The other thing

by Kim on September 20, 2013

I’m so desperate for normalcy. No sickness, no traveling, no trips to the ER, and most of all, no stress. (Or at least, less stress, which will happen automatically without those three other things.)

stress

Mason and I are both turning onto the home stretch of these dang colds. I can tell because we’re in the final hacky/phlegmy phase (sorry, I realize that’s completely disgusting), which is probably such a joy for the guy who has to share a bed with me and listen to me cough all night.

The plus side is that Mase has been sleeping like a MANIAC. No lie: he went to bed at 6:30 last night and got up at 9:45 this morning. 9:45!! I almost thought I should wake him up, except that it went against every logical instinct in my body. Instead, I putzed around the house, drank coffee, read blogs, looked in the mirror and realized with horror how much I needed to shower, remembered that I was planning to wait until after my workout (the very first one of this miserable week), drank more coffee, cleaned a few things, and putzed some more.

I know: you can barely keep up with my wild lifestyle.

So there’s one more piece of this whole puzzle that I haven’t told you about yet, and honestly, I’ve been going back and forth all week trying to decide if I should. It’s probably the most personal thing I’ve ever blogged about, but for some reason, I feel like I can’t just keep it to myself.

Along with the cold, and the migraine, and the all-around joy of this week, I also had a miscarriage on Tuesday.

Luckily, it was very early—a little under 5 weeks—and I’d had a bad feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning. With Mason, I remember getting a firmly positive pregnancy test a couple days before my missed period, but this time, it was just the faintest little line on the day I was supposed to get my period. And it stayed faint, which is not a good sign.

But I couldn’t help getting a little excited. My body’s extremely sensitive to hormone changes, so I was already feeling some nausea (it’s no wonder I got plowed over by that migraine as soon as I miscarried). And I may have looked up “baby room ideas” on Pinterest, like, once or twice.

Then, early this week, I started bleeding. A little bleeding isn’t necessarily game-over (the same thing happened with Mason around 5 weeks), but it didn’t stop throughout the day. Or the following day.

Plus, I just knew.

And then there was the worst part: the guilt.

I know that, technically, I didn’t cause this to happen. Or so my doctor assured me. And that 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage (often, before the woman ever finds out), so it’s not nearly as wild and unusual as most of us think.

But here’s the thing. When Brent and I first started talking about Baby #2, it was in a much more calculated, much less romantic way than the first time around. It was more about the ideal age difference we’d want between kids than anything else. We thought a 2-year age difference sounded good, and decided to start trying this fall.

At the time that decision was made, I was so, so, so not ready for another baby. I couldn’t even fathom it, really. When I saw other babies, I didn’t have that warm “someday, that’ll be us again!” feeling…it was more like, “thank God we’re past that stage.” I couldn’t imagine starting over, with the sleepless nights, and the unpredictability, and the 100% helpless newborn…not to mention doing it all with a toddler, too.

I was honestly baffled when my friends who’d had their first babies around the same time as us were already talking about having another. What?? How are you possibly ready to do this again?

That was at the beginning of the summer. So I figured, well, by the time fall rolls around, hopefully I’ll feel different. And even then, once we get pregnant, we’ll have 9 more months to prepare. People have babies 2 years apart every day, what’s the big deal?

Well, the “deadline” came, and let’s just say I didn’t feel much different. I still couldn’t fathom having another baby.

But we knew we didn’t want to throw in the towel at one kid, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever just magically feel “ready.” (Once you know what having a newborn is like, can you ever just casually sign up for that again?) Honestly, I was starting to worry that the longer we waited, the more comfortable I’d get being out of the Baby Zone and the harder it would be to go back to square one. So we decided to just go for it.

And now, that’s where the guilt comes from. Did I not want this baby enough, and he/she sensed it?

Then, I was being careless about my stress levels (even purposefully piling different things on so I wouldn’t think/worry about the baby thing). And when I couldn’t quite remember which headache med was safe for pregnancy—ibupofren or acetaminophen?—I picked the wrong one. (Acetaminophen is the safe one…I took ibupofren.) I mean: a woman who was really invested in her pregnancy would have taken the 2 seconds to Google that, wouldn’t she? (To be fair, for whatever reason I was really confident I was right about the ibuprofren.)

So that’s where I’m at right now. Trying not to pick apart the details, but also trying to identify and process my feelings about the situation. Thinking about life priorities and trying to sort out what matters and what doesn’t. Making peace with the fact that I’m in this “parents of young kids” stage of life, and that there’s not a lot of room for other big, new things during this stage, but there’s plenty of room on the other side of it. Some things will just have to wait.

Anyway, the whole thing has definitely been a wake-up call for me. And I know that if we do get pregnant again, my head and body will be in a much better place than they were this time around.

Thanks for listening…

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Tawny September 24, 2013 at 3:21 pm

Wow thank you so much for your honesty! I just found your blog today and already I love it :)
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Jen September 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm

Big, big hugs…. I can only imagine what a tough experience that was to go through. I’m thinking of you and am always here for a chat/girls’ night when needed.

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Presley @ Run Pretty September 24, 2013 at 8:40 am

I seriously wish I was better with words, but I’m totally hugging my computer right now. Obviously, it’s a metaphor for you. See? I’m not good with this.

I saw that you had some pumpkin beers in your most recent post and I’m very happy about that. If we lived near each other I’d have one (or five) with you. :)
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Kim September 24, 2013 at 12:23 pm

I think it would really help with my healing if you could send me a picture of you hugging your computer. That, or I’d just like it. Anyway, thank you, Presley! You’re hilarious & always a breath of fresh air. :)

And, yeah, what does it say about me that my consolation thought about not being preggo is: YAY, I CAN DRINK! Pumpkin beers are a highlight of my year. Nay, life.

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Giselle@myhealthyhappyhome September 21, 2013 at 7:10 pm

Oh Kim, I’m so sorry! You have really had a rough week! You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your head up and know that everything happens for a reason.
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Thank you Giselle! Well, at least I got all this crazy stuff out of the way in one week. On to a better one!

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Tiffany September 21, 2013 at 6:03 pm

Thank you for being so brave and sharing. Hang in there!

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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:39 pm

Thanks Tiff :)

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Claire September 21, 2013 at 2:59 pm

very sorry to hear kim…good thoughts to you as you work through this but feel assured it had nothing to do with you. take time to take care of yourself.

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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:37 pm

Thanks Claire :) I know the guilt is ridiculous, but you know how we moms love our guilt…anyway, thanks for the kind words! Feeling much better about everything today.

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Brittany Ryan September 20, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Kim,

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are so brave to share such a difficult event in your life. I read your blog all the time, and admire how honest you are and willing to share your strengths and weaknesses. I find myself always rooting for you. I will you guys all the best.

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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:36 pm

Thanks so much Brittany! I’m so honored that you read this, and I really appreciate the kind words!!

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Alex @ Alex Runs For Food September 20, 2013 at 6:42 pm

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason. Whether you took ibuprophen or Tylenol it would have been the same outcome. The big thing is that you learn from your experiences. You are amazing and you will be a stronger person because of this.
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Thank you Alex! I hope you’re right.

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Julie September 20, 2013 at 5:16 pm

So sad to hear your news, but I wouldn’t blame yourself AT ALL. I’m thinking of you this afternoon! xoxo
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Thank you Julie! Trying not to blame anything… :)

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Michelle September 20, 2013 at 3:00 pm

Aww – sorry to hear your sad news. I do hope the guilt subsides – it’s NOT your fault, even if you feel like you weren’t ready.

And if you don’t feel ready for more kids – don’t rush it! My kids are 4 months, 4, and 7 and their age gaps are GREAT. I can’t fathom having them any closer in age. I think people are SO brave when they do the whole 2 under 2 thing.

Hope your weekend AND next week are much better!
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Thanks, Michelle! The kid timing thing is so tricky because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel 100% “ready.” Ya know? I think the only reason I felt ready with my first is that I didn’t know what I was in for. :)

Also, the age gap is important to me partially because I grew up in a big family, where I was towards the top of the age ladder, and I remember feeling “held back” by the younger ones on family trips, etc. I also remember feeling like the things we did as a family were more targeted to the younger kids, which got old. So maybe it’ll be hard on me for a few years, but hopefully worth it in 8-10?

Anyway, thanks so much for your comment! Especially about the guilt. :) I know it’s dumb…just can’t help it. :)

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Katie @ Daily Cup Of Kate September 20, 2013 at 1:12 pm

I am thinking about you, Kim! What a week it has been for you…hang in there and take the weekend to relax some more and hang with your beautiful family!
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:24 pm

Thanks Katie! So glad that week’s behind me!

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Katie @ running4cupcakes September 20, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Thanks for sharing everything that has been going on lately. I think that sometimes it helps just to get it out, ya know? I also am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. That dose of ibuprofen, increased stress didn’t have anything to do with anything!! And you are not alone, I am dealing with the same feelings about having another baby. I can’t even fathom it, and if I didn’t think siblings were SO important, I probably wouldn’t have another one. . . and there is no perfect age for siblings to be apart so whatever happens, happens, ya know? love you!!
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:23 pm

Thanks Katie! It’s especially helpful hearing the ibuprofen/stress comment from a doctor!! But you know how our crazy brains work when stuff like this happens…

I’m so glad I’m not alone on the second baby thing! For some reason I feel like everyone else is breezing through multiple kids so easily?? Such a scary undertaking, in my mind, but I know I wouldn’t regret it.

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Sarah September 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Kim, I have loved keeping up to date with your family through your blog, but was so sad to read your post today. I admire your vulnerability and openness. Praying for you!

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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:19 pm

Thank you, Sarah. I appreciate the prayers!!

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Kim September 20, 2013 at 11:49 am

I’m so very sorry!!!
And, as hard as it is not to, you should NOT feel guilty. It is highly unlikely that anything you did or even your emotions caused this.
I hope that you have let your body rest this week and that the weekend is a great one for y’all!!
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:17 pm

Thanks Kim…as much as I already “know” that, it helps so much to hear people remind me! :)

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Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries September 20, 2013 at 11:01 am

Oh gosh, my heart aches for you, Kim. What a week it has been! You are in my prayers dear friend. Hugs!
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Kim September 22, 2013 at 9:16 pm

Thanks Ashley :)

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